Playing Hookie...

So here I am....Monday afternoon....almost 4:30. Normally I'd just be getting out of work. Instead I've been laying on this couch and feeling sorry for myself. With Oprah on my TV I sit here waiting for it to be dark so I can go back to bed. That is horrible. I know I'm being stupid....I know I shouldve dragged my sorry ass out of bed and gone to work but this morning....I just couldn't do it. It can't be normal that I'm sitting here thinking..."Okay at 6:00...I'm going to take a phernegan and knock myself out until tomorrow morning and maybe go to work early to make up for today".
I hate this feeling....this "feeling" I don't even knoe what I'm feeling. What is wrong with me.

Alone.

Sometimes....I forget that we're married. That may sound horrible...but lately I feel like I'm back in the life I used to live...in MA...living by myself in my little studio. Technically yes...I am living by myself....but I'm married. I know I'm not the only married woman going through this. But again, goes back to the being lonely thing again. And maybe it has to do w/ the fact that I never got my big perfect wedding with everyone that I love.
I know that one day it will happen, and that one day ...or in 2 months actually I'll have my husband back, and we'll live under one roof again. But right now...I can't help but feel so alone.
Sometimes I can't help but feel under appreciated. I just wanted to be appreciated and loved....

Reality Check

This past weekend, I drove 7.5 hours down to FL to visit my husband.
At first I thought 7.5 hours?! How in the world am I going to do that? But the drive was not bad at all....and if I could, I would do it every weekend. Okay, maybe every other weekend.
But the trip overall, was just what I needed.
I can't believe it's been 2 months already....2 more to go? My life is an endless countdown.
Driving onto base...I felt some sort of relief? Maybe that's not quite the word I was looking for...but seeing him standing by the barrack waiting for me, I felt like I had my old Cody back.
He showed me around, and it felt so nice to hear enthusiam back in his voice, and a sense of pride that he lacked when he was working for the PD.
It felt so good to be back in his arms....to hold hands as we walked, and just to be able to talk to him face to face, w/o having to scream in my blackberry for him to be able to hear me.
The next day, we laid on the beach, talking for hours about our future. We'll go to a base in the U.S. for a few years, then maybe Korea for a year, and then have a baby, and move closer to home, and hopefully get a base in NY. Our plans always change...but to have something to look forward to is always exciting. That night, we went to see "Date Night". A comedy that I never thought would make me think so much about our own married life. Steve Corell and Tina Fey play a married couple who's 'date nights' consist of the same dinner once a week, and how they're a boring couple from NJ. The movie had me laughing out loud (of course with those 2, its impossible not to) but had me thinking so much on the ride back home to TN.
As much as I absolutely hate being alone all the time...(I have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary) I like the fact that our life is a crazy hot mess. We'll never get bored of each other....missing each other has made it so much better when we do see each other. Maybe when we do live on base, we'll have boring dinner talks, but i'm sure that'll rudely be interrupted by a deployment sometime. The military life was never meant to be easy, but I'd like to think that it'll make our lives that much more interesting, with more spark and excitement. Who knows how long this 'reality check' will last....by tomorrow, I could be bawling my eyes again about how much this sucks. But for now...I'll just be excited for my next trip to visit him in 2 weeks :)

Can't Buy Love.

So lately I've been thinking about being a really successful career woman but being alone...or being with the love of my life, and having a family, on a tight budget. I have always wanted to be that great successful woman, that worked all the time. I don't know why, but the image of people bringing home work, to my eyes; meant that they were important, and that they have made it. But in reality, I want nothing more then to be with my love, and start a family. Sure everyone wants to make more money, but when it all comes down to it, I want nothing but to feel loved, love my family, and for all to be healthy. Again referring back to the girl in high school that is struggling with cancer, I can't help but feel so lucky to be healthy and young. Life is not fair, in the way that she is just as young as I am, and is suffering with a life threatening illness....but she makes me think about how important health is, and how much I take it for granted.

Speaking of health...my mom is going in for surgery on Thursday. Just a little procedure, but it breaks my heart knowing that I won't be there to help her and knowing that my dad and my brother...well they won't be as helpful. Trying to get all of her paperwork in line for short term disability in case she does need it, is a headache in itself, let alone trying to get it all done from a different state. It's so annoying, and I wish I could be there in person to get it all done. Ugh.

I know life isn't fair....but should it be this unfair?

Life is not fair. I get that, okay. I try not to think of these thoughts...I try not to think like this....but today, I cannot help it. I can't help but think that this is unfair. I can't help but think that my life is pathetic. Is it fair that I'm in the middle of TN by myself, away from my family, and now to top it off...by myself? Literally? I want to be strong, I don't want Cody thinking that I'm getting weak....and I try to hide it. But tonight...I just wanted to hear that he misses me too, that he wants to be here with me. And I know that....I know that he misses me, but would it kill him to say it out loud? I call thinking that maybe if I talked to him, it would make things better....he was always good at cheering me up. And I realize that we're not in our living room by ourselves...but he laughed at me. Asking me why I was crying. Did he have to laugh?
I know I"m not a needy girl, but I'm still a girl. I need to hear that he misses me, I need to hear that he wants to be with me. Sometimes I wonder why he got married. Am I the stupid one?
He got to move down here, like he wanted to. He got to go back to the Air Force, like he wanted to. If I wanted to move back to CT? Would he do that for me?

I just feel alone. The older I get, the closer I'm getting with my mom...and I miss her. I want to be able to go over whenver I want, I want to be able to see my parents. Is it fair that I'm sitting here by myself, and to top if off I"m away from my family?!

What is this life that I'm living....what is my purpose....

Get Used To It Already.

I think it's starting to hit me....that I've been alone for almost a month now. I mean, I have tried to stay busy. And my weekends have been filled with activities....it's just not the same. It's sad to say, but I should be used to this. We've spent most of our relationship when we were dating in two different states, if not country. And he was gone for the first 6 months of when we first moved to TN. So I should be used to it right? Who would've thought that I would get married, and have to spend all this time by myself.
Well....it's a little bit...daunting? I guess I'm not really having issues with the alone part...as much as the sleeping part. There are days, when I'm so lonely that I don't move from the couch...but I think I've pretty much got that under control....well for now. But sleep...is another issue.
Again, something I should be used to. Seeing as he worked midnight shifts....but I can't seem to get used to it. I lay on the couch until I am absolutely tired, and ready to just fall asleep....
Otherwise, I will lay in bed, and be terrified of every little noise coming through the thin walls and doors. Get used to it Jin....just get used it already.

The other day, Cody thanked me for being his wife. It might've been something small to him, but it meant so much to hear that. Thank you. Two words, with a whole lot of meaning.
It makes me think...am I crazy for going through with this? Did I really have a choice?
Ah, the questions in my head.

Miss him.

I had such a vivid dream. A dream that Cody left me, and I chased after him, stopped the car, and screamed 'WTF' at him. I have never sworn at him before...
okay, except that one time while we were playing Scrabble. (And yes I did learn my lesson after being forbidden to play for like 6 months).
I don't usually remember dreams...but I can't get this one out of my mind.