Can't Buy Love.

So lately I've been thinking about being a really successful career woman but being alone...or being with the love of my life, and having a family, on a tight budget. I have always wanted to be that great successful woman, that worked all the time. I don't know why, but the image of people bringing home work, to my eyes; meant that they were important, and that they have made it. But in reality, I want nothing more then to be with my love, and start a family. Sure everyone wants to make more money, but when it all comes down to it, I want nothing but to feel loved, love my family, and for all to be healthy. Again referring back to the girl in high school that is struggling with cancer, I can't help but feel so lucky to be healthy and young. Life is not fair, in the way that she is just as young as I am, and is suffering with a life threatening illness....but she makes me think about how important health is, and how much I take it for granted.

Speaking of health...my mom is going in for surgery on Thursday. Just a little procedure, but it breaks my heart knowing that I won't be there to help her and knowing that my dad and my brother...well they won't be as helpful. Trying to get all of her paperwork in line for short term disability in case she does need it, is a headache in itself, let alone trying to get it all done from a different state. It's so annoying, and I wish I could be there in person to get it all done. Ugh.

I know life isn't fair....but should it be this unfair?

Life is not fair. I get that, okay. I try not to think of these thoughts...I try not to think like this....but today, I cannot help it. I can't help but think that this is unfair. I can't help but think that my life is pathetic. Is it fair that I'm in the middle of TN by myself, away from my family, and now to top it off...by myself? Literally? I want to be strong, I don't want Cody thinking that I'm getting weak....and I try to hide it. But tonight...I just wanted to hear that he misses me too, that he wants to be here with me. And I know that....I know that he misses me, but would it kill him to say it out loud? I call thinking that maybe if I talked to him, it would make things better....he was always good at cheering me up. And I realize that we're not in our living room by ourselves...but he laughed at me. Asking me why I was crying. Did he have to laugh?
I know I"m not a needy girl, but I'm still a girl. I need to hear that he misses me, I need to hear that he wants to be with me. Sometimes I wonder why he got married. Am I the stupid one?
He got to move down here, like he wanted to. He got to go back to the Air Force, like he wanted to. If I wanted to move back to CT? Would he do that for me?

I just feel alone. The older I get, the closer I'm getting with my mom...and I miss her. I want to be able to go over whenver I want, I want to be able to see my parents. Is it fair that I'm sitting here by myself, and to top if off I"m away from my family?!

What is this life that I'm living....what is my purpose....