So here I am....Monday afternoon....almost 4:30. Normally I'd just be getting out of work. Instead I've been laying on this couch and feeling sorry for myself. With Oprah on my TV I sit here waiting for it to be dark so I can go back to bed. That is horrible. I know I'm being stupid....I know I shouldve dragged my sorry ass out of bed and gone to work but this morning....I just couldn't do it. It can't be normal that I'm sitting here thinking..."Okay at 6:00...I'm going to take a phernegan and knock myself out until tomorrow morning and maybe go to work early to make up for today".
I hate this feeling....this "feeling" I don't even knoe what I'm feeling. What is wrong with me.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Alone.
Sometimes....I forget that we're married. That may sound horrible...but lately I feel like I'm back in the life I used to live...in MA...living by myself in my little studio. Technically yes...I am living by myself....but I'm married. I know I'm not the only married woman going through this. But again, goes back to the being lonely thing again. And maybe it has to do w/ the fact that I never got my big perfect wedding with everyone that I love.
I know that one day it will happen, and that one day ...or in 2 months actually I'll have my husband back, and we'll live under one roof again. But right now...I can't help but feel so alone.
Sometimes I can't help but feel under appreciated. I just wanted to be appreciated and loved....
I know that one day it will happen, and that one day ...or in 2 months actually I'll have my husband back, and we'll live under one roof again. But right now...I can't help but feel so alone.
Sometimes I can't help but feel under appreciated. I just wanted to be appreciated and loved....
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Reality Check
This past weekend, I drove 7.5 hours down to FL to visit my husband.
At first I thought 7.5 hours?! How in the world am I going to do that? But the drive was not bad at all....and if I could, I would do it every weekend. Okay, maybe every other weekend.
But the trip overall, was just what I needed.
I can't believe it's been 2 months already....2 more to go? My life is an endless countdown.
Driving onto base...I felt some sort of relief? Maybe that's not quite the word I was looking for...but seeing him standing by the barrack waiting for me, I felt like I had my old Cody back.
He showed me around, and it felt so nice to hear enthusiam back in his voice, and a sense of pride that he lacked when he was working for the PD.
It felt so good to be back in his arms....to hold hands as we walked, and just to be able to talk to him face to face, w/o having to scream in my blackberry for him to be able to hear me.
The next day, we laid on the beach, talking for hours about our future. We'll go to a base in the U.S. for a few years, then maybe Korea for a year, and then have a baby, and move closer to home, and hopefully get a base in NY. Our plans always change...but to have something to look forward to is always exciting. That night, we went to see "Date Night". A comedy that I never thought would make me think so much about our own married life. Steve Corell and Tina Fey play a married couple who's 'date nights' consist of the same dinner once a week, and how they're a boring couple from NJ. The movie had me laughing out loud (of course with those 2, its impossible not to) but had me thinking so much on the ride back home to TN.
As much as I absolutely hate being alone all the time...(I have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary) I like the fact that our life is a crazy hot mess. We'll never get bored of each other....missing each other has made it so much better when we do see each other. Maybe when we do live on base, we'll have boring dinner talks, but i'm sure that'll rudely be interrupted by a deployment sometime. The military life was never meant to be easy, but I'd like to think that it'll make our lives that much more interesting, with more spark and excitement. Who knows how long this 'reality check' will last....by tomorrow, I could be bawling my eyes again about how much this sucks. But for now...I'll just be excited for my next trip to visit him in 2 weeks :)
At first I thought 7.5 hours?! How in the world am I going to do that? But the drive was not bad at all....and if I could, I would do it every weekend. Okay, maybe every other weekend.
But the trip overall, was just what I needed.
I can't believe it's been 2 months already....2 more to go? My life is an endless countdown.
Driving onto base...I felt some sort of relief? Maybe that's not quite the word I was looking for...but seeing him standing by the barrack waiting for me, I felt like I had my old Cody back.
He showed me around, and it felt so nice to hear enthusiam back in his voice, and a sense of pride that he lacked when he was working for the PD.
It felt so good to be back in his arms....to hold hands as we walked, and just to be able to talk to him face to face, w/o having to scream in my blackberry for him to be able to hear me.
The next day, we laid on the beach, talking for hours about our future. We'll go to a base in the U.S. for a few years, then maybe Korea for a year, and then have a baby, and move closer to home, and hopefully get a base in NY. Our plans always change...but to have something to look forward to is always exciting. That night, we went to see "Date Night". A comedy that I never thought would make me think so much about our own married life. Steve Corell and Tina Fey play a married couple who's 'date nights' consist of the same dinner once a week, and how they're a boring couple from NJ. The movie had me laughing out loud (of course with those 2, its impossible not to) but had me thinking so much on the ride back home to TN.
As much as I absolutely hate being alone all the time...(I have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary) I like the fact that our life is a crazy hot mess. We'll never get bored of each other....missing each other has made it so much better when we do see each other. Maybe when we do live on base, we'll have boring dinner talks, but i'm sure that'll rudely be interrupted by a deployment sometime. The military life was never meant to be easy, but I'd like to think that it'll make our lives that much more interesting, with more spark and excitement. Who knows how long this 'reality check' will last....by tomorrow, I could be bawling my eyes again about how much this sucks. But for now...I'll just be excited for my next trip to visit him in 2 weeks :)
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