Life...

Time to vent...

Lately I've been quite hard on myself, and down. To the point where I can't stop thinking about what went on Brittany's head when she pulled the trigger. I would never have the guts to do that...but it makes me think. I could never do that to my husband, or my family. But....what is the purpose of my life? I suppose if I said this to anyone in real life, some might think I'm being overly dramatic. I guess I would even think that I'm being drama queen...when things aren't that bad.
I should be grateful for the roof over my head, a loving husband and my family....but still I want more. This whole no job thing is really getting to me. I guess when I did have a job, and I hated it, I complained about that as well...which makes me wonder - will I ever stop complaining?

I stay up all night thinking about what I'm going to do the entire day....I can't fall asleep on Sunday nights because I worry about how I'm going to occupy myself throughout the week.
Not only is this whole no job thing driving me crazy of boredom...but it's stressing me about financially. Now that we finally have a 'wedding' date....how in the world are we supposed to afford it?

Like I have always said...I want to be that independent girl. Anow now I feel as though I've fallen backwards. Now I not only rely on Cody for my social life...but now financially as well. That is the lowest feeling in the world. I can't go out and get a pair of shoes to make me feel better without having to worry about what he'll say. I know he doesn't mind me spending the money if we have it...but seeing has we have completely cut our income in half...we don't have the money to spend.
Money money money....

I know my husband tries so hard to keep me happy....but sometimes I think we're on completely different pages. He wants to wait to have a baby....
I want one...now. The more I think about it, the more I think that I'm ready. Maybe that'll help me figure out the reason I'm in this thing called life.