Get Used To It Already.

I think it's starting to hit me....that I've been alone for almost a month now. I mean, I have tried to stay busy. And my weekends have been filled with activities....it's just not the same. It's sad to say, but I should be used to this. We've spent most of our relationship when we were dating in two different states, if not country. And he was gone for the first 6 months of when we first moved to TN. So I should be used to it right? Who would've thought that I would get married, and have to spend all this time by myself.
Well....it's a little bit...daunting? I guess I'm not really having issues with the alone part...as much as the sleeping part. There are days, when I'm so lonely that I don't move from the couch...but I think I've pretty much got that under control....well for now. But sleep...is another issue.
Again, something I should be used to. Seeing as he worked midnight shifts....but I can't seem to get used to it. I lay on the couch until I am absolutely tired, and ready to just fall asleep....
Otherwise, I will lay in bed, and be terrified of every little noise coming through the thin walls and doors. Get used to it Jin....just get used it already.

The other day, Cody thanked me for being his wife. It might've been something small to him, but it meant so much to hear that. Thank you. Two words, with a whole lot of meaning.
It makes me think...am I crazy for going through with this? Did I really have a choice?
Ah, the questions in my head.

Miss him.

I had such a vivid dream. A dream that Cody left me, and I chased after him, stopped the car, and screamed 'WTF' at him. I have never sworn at him before...
okay, except that one time while we were playing Scrabble. (And yes I did learn my lesson after being forbidden to play for like 6 months).
I don't usually remember dreams...but I can't get this one out of my mind.

Senioritis.

Being 26 y/o.... I wonder and think about what my purpose in life is supposed to be. Okay, maybe I won't go that deep...I just wonder where I'll end up career wise. I say that HR is what I want to stick to, but do I? I feel like at this time in my life, I should know, and I should be on the right path. But where I am right now...feels like I'm stuck on a dead end street. I want more then anything, to be that person that says 'I LOVE MY JOB!' with a really perky smile on my face....I fear that I'll never have that. I feel that I can do so much more, I just don't know what. HR can be very rewarding, and their are so many opportunities...I just don't know if its right for me. So go back to school? I don't know.
Senioritis.
It's getting harder and harder to concentrate,and do my very best knowing that I'll be leaving in a few months. I love that I get more and more projects...it makes me believe that my boss has a lot of trust in me...but I wonder if its starting to show that I'm slacking, and I'm sitting at my desk emailing my friends. I love a day that flies by, so busy that you don't even have time to go to microwave to heat up your lunch....
I can't remember the last time I had one of those days....
Instead I'm constantly staring at the clock...from the minute I put my toosh on the chair.

On another note....I wonder what my husband thinks of me and my career. Sometimes I really do think that he wants me to just get a job, just to get one. But I want to be someone that's career oriented. I want to have my own life, even through this crazy thing called a military life. Through all of the moving we may end up doing, I still want to establish myself, and become a 'career woman'. I don't want to be a stay at home mom, I don't ever want to be the wife that asks her husband for money to go shopping. Is that weird?

I want to be busy...I'm trying so hard to keep up with my routine of coming home, working out, making dinner, watching my nightly shows, and going to bed around 10:30 after Chelsea Lately...but today, that routine did not happen.
I laid down to take a 'wee nap'...which turned out to be almost 2 hours long, and woke up promptly before Grey's Anatomy came on.
After my nap, I was very....lonely. I think when I'm not busy....I get emotional....and start to get lonely. I need to keep busy....
Then I get a call from my dear husband...only to frustrate me even more.
I understand that he's busy, and I'm glad that he is....but sometimes I think he thinks that he is the only one that's busy, and the only one that's frustrated. Everyone else's busy day, or everyone else's frustrated day, doesn't match up. He asks how my day was, and I say 'it was quite the frustrating day'....he responds with how frustrating his day was because he got in trouble for letting his guys have their cell phones? I waited to see if he asked why my day was frustrating....I got nothing. I know that he's always kind of been like this...but today it hit me hard.
When I get annoyed or frustrated, I shut off. So after that, I was done talking. We awkwardly got off the phone, and I became a crying mess. What is wrong with me?!
Maybe I was upset because he didn't ask why I was frustrated? Or maybe I was more upset that I wasn't busy enough today? Or maybe I was just yet again...lonely.

Yesterday I was so good....with positive thoughts like 'being apart only makes us stronger'...
I even gave my best friend advice on how I think this greatly makes us relationship better, bcause when we are together, it's nothing be fabulous.
But today....I'm total opposite? Sometimes, I really hate being a girl.

I've always been the 'keep your thoughts to yourself' kind of girl...hence why I've started this blog to kind of let it out. But with Cody, I promised that I would work on telling him if something was wrong. So I texted him knowing full well that he was busy... with 'I know your busy, but don't act like you are the only one, or the only one with a frustrating day. I know my life is not at all interesting, but it makes me feel like shit'....
I'm glad I got it out, but also made me feel guilty all at the same time. My mom always told me not to stress him out while he's away, because he needs my support, not for me to add on to the stress...so...should I have just let that go? I don't know. I got a response of 'sorry hun, i love you'.
I guess really that's all I wanted to hear, so.....why am I still crying?

I hope and I pray, that one day....I'll be able to find the dream job that I pop out of bed for every morning. One day....

Am I a Blogger?

For the majority of my day....I've spent reading this girls blog who has cancer. She wouldn't know who I was if I hit her with my car...but after reading about her all day, I feel like she could be my best friend. She is maybe a year older then me, she is battling lymphoma cancer....and she is my inspiration.
I don't know how someone with such a traumatic event going on in her life, could be so cheery, inspiring, and pure?
I barely know her....ok I don't know her at all...I've probably passed her in the hallways of good ol' THS back in the day, but we have never spoken a word to each other. But she has made me think about a lot of things in my life. It made me appreciate....

I haven't 'blogged' in awhile...I don't think I'm true 'blogger'....nor do I know what a true 'blogger' entails. Ok, enough with the quotes. I write to get some of the 24/7 thinking going on in my head, out on paper, or in this case my shiny pink dell laptop ;) No one reads this...and sometimes I wonder if I should share this with those that are close to me, as to help them understand why I'm such a beast some days. Haha.

So Cody has left to go to training for the Air Force. It's been awhile since my last complaint on life, and since then, he's sworn in, yet again to the United States Military, this time the Air Force. It's been almost 3 weeks since he's left for TX....and I think our departure this time around has gotten a little bit easier for me. Yes being apart sucks....but I feel like this will be an easier phase then what we've been through, and hopefully it will get easier from now on. Maybe the fact that he's not in a foreign country, with things blowing up around him plays a major factor in that....but still I'm hoping for the time to pass quickly so that we may begin yet another chapter in our life.
I never realized how much I hate my phone...yes I'm addicted to my pink blackberry, but actually talking on it? Who does that these days? Um yeah, us. I have to admit, the first couple days were like being back in 5th grade when we would awkwardly talk on the phone after school. But now we just ramble on about our day as if we were right next to each other, and I've realized that my speakerphone is more of a friend of mine, then actually holding it like an actual phone.
I do really appreciate my dear friend April...who has kept me busy and allowed me to tag along with her to her busy social life events. I don't know what I would have done if I had never met her. Thank God for that one Titans game, that I almost didn't go to, because well I lack the love for football. But I'm thankful I went, and sooo thankful to have her in my life.

I have mixed feelings about a lot. I don't think I'll truly have a 'real' feeling towards the military until we move and are on base. Or maybe it won't even hit until he deploys again...who knows. But right now, the objective of the game is to get through to July, for him to graduate, and for us to pack up and leave Music City.

Some days... all I want is to be back in CT, near my family and some of my friends. But other days, I realize that I"m learning a lot by being away from home. Even things I never even thought of, such as learning to cook all sorts of Korean dishes. I realize that not only am I learning, but my parents are learning how to deal without me as well. It does kill me sometimes to hear them struggle about simple things such as making dr.'s appt, or trying to figure out who to go to the dr.'s with them to translate. I wish I could teleport back and forth from here to CT....but I can't be there to live their life right? I do miss my mommy, and I don't even want to think about what a hot mess I'll be when we have a little bun in the oven....but I"m going to try to believe that this is all happening for a reason, and that I'm learning from it. I mean, my mom left my grandma in Korea...that can't be easy. I do miss her though. :(

Ok, now that I've talked to Cody for a good 30 minutes, I have lost all motivation to keep going with this blog...perhaps this is why I can't keep up with this, or why I'm not sharing it with anyone.

Perhaps tomorrow, I shall continue...
until then.....