Life...

Time to vent...

Lately I've been quite hard on myself, and down. To the point where I can't stop thinking about what went on Brittany's head when she pulled the trigger. I would never have the guts to do that...but it makes me think. I could never do that to my husband, or my family. But....what is the purpose of my life? I suppose if I said this to anyone in real life, some might think I'm being overly dramatic. I guess I would even think that I'm being drama queen...when things aren't that bad.
I should be grateful for the roof over my head, a loving husband and my family....but still I want more. This whole no job thing is really getting to me. I guess when I did have a job, and I hated it, I complained about that as well...which makes me wonder - will I ever stop complaining?

I stay up all night thinking about what I'm going to do the entire day....I can't fall asleep on Sunday nights because I worry about how I'm going to occupy myself throughout the week.
Not only is this whole no job thing driving me crazy of boredom...but it's stressing me about financially. Now that we finally have a 'wedding' date....how in the world are we supposed to afford it?

Like I have always said...I want to be that independent girl. Anow now I feel as though I've fallen backwards. Now I not only rely on Cody for my social life...but now financially as well. That is the lowest feeling in the world. I can't go out and get a pair of shoes to make me feel better without having to worry about what he'll say. I know he doesn't mind me spending the money if we have it...but seeing has we have completely cut our income in half...we don't have the money to spend.
Money money money....

I know my husband tries so hard to keep me happy....but sometimes I think we're on completely different pages. He wants to wait to have a baby....
I want one...now. The more I think about it, the more I think that I'm ready. Maybe that'll help me figure out the reason I'm in this thing called life.

....

So it's been about 3 months since I've been in El Paso, TX.
My thoughts? different.

We just got back from a weekend in Nashville. My reaction to how El Paso is? Different.

I just got off the phone w/ my mom and I am beyond frustrated.
My dad was in the ER while we were in Nashville...and no one felt the need to tell me about this. Not only that, but now they want me to get him prescriptions that he has no refills for. They refuse to listen to me and get an appointment with the doctor. My mom gets pissed that I'm getting frustrated, and tells me that I'm frustrated and annoyed because I don't do anything with my day. Thanks mom, thanks.

Yeah I'll admit it. I'm not happy here. Mostly because I can't find a job because I don't know Spanish. But I don't need someone telling me that my attitude needs to be adjusted because I don't have enough to do in a day.

TX it is?

10 days until graduation.
I act as though I'm the one graduating from this school. But in a way...I kind of am.
Cody's been trying hard to get his orders changed...and the one guy who has 'the powers' is apparently out until the Tuesday before graduation. So our conclusion?
We're going to TX.
For awhile I've put most of my eggs in TX...thinking things aren't going to change. Then a couple weeks ago, we had talked about NC, and Cody sounded so sure that we would get it changed. 'Most guys who are jump qualified are going to NC, Italy or Alaska'. So some of my eggs left my TX basket, and weighed down the NC basket.
Now, I guess I should just make scrabbled eggs out of those because I have no idea.
Well I I guess I do. We're going to TX.
Unless some miracle happes within the 2 days that 'Senior' gets back.....TX here we come.
Not going to lie....hearing Cody actually say it, instead of his 'Texas' text msg....put a few tear droplets in my eyes. But....oh well. It is what it is.

:)

I'm sitting here...cheesing. Hardcore.

The husband has been out on the field for 5 days...and I finally got a call today.
"I passed, and a lot of has to do with you...."
Such simple words, yet so fulfilling.

So...a little update.
Went to go visit my love Memorial Day weekend with his best friend, and his fiance.
Trip down was fine. But things were weird while we were there, and trip back was definitely awkward. They're relationship is weird, and I don't know how they're going to live together when they get married. Which is not problem, or any of my business. But it made me appreciate my husband even more.
Appreciate. Yet another simple word, but with so much meaning.
So I know boys can be boys...but some things guys should keep to themselves when they're alone. Cody had mentioned something about our phone calls in front of Brad, to Brad actually....and that ticked me off to no end.
Not only becuase he was mocking or making fun of the only thing we had....our phone calls....but because I felt like he was belittling me in front of his friend.
Maybe if we were in a different situation, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. But under our circumstances, it was a big deal, and I couldn't let it go.
I'm kind of glad I didn't, because we talked about how sometimes I don't feel appreciated, and that he cannot say stuff like that in front of me. Point across. Done.
So being with another couple all weekend, made me love our relationship, and what we have. Yeah right now, we are not physically together, but I think I'm trying to make the best of it, and going to visit him every couple weeks, is exciting in my world :)

In other news......one of my dear friends Michele, is preggers. Oh baby!
I knew she'd be the first, but it's so surreal. I can't wait to see her and her little baby bump, and cannot wait for a mini Mich or Chris. This makes it real...we're all officially getting old.

Weddings weddings galore!
To add on to my busy summer schedule...Nicole has set a wedding date! I'm extremely excited for them, but I can't help but be stressed about all that's happening starting next month. Well even this month. I'm going to end up having to choose which weddings I can make it, and that is going to kill me. Suzanne's, Nicole's, Jen's, Sandra's.....Oh well....that's life I suppose.

My parents are coming this weekend! My great aunt's daughter is getting married, and my aunts, uncles and my parents have decided to rent a van, and take the 16 hour drive down to TN. I call them crazy, they said it'd be an experience?
Experience? With my crazy uncle? I think not. I think 'a hell of a time' would be more fitting...and that, not equalling out to be a 'good' time. All I can say, is good luck to them. I'm excited for my parents to spend the weekend with me, and excited to show my aunts and uncles that I really do have my own life down here. My only fear....the whole 'you look like you've gained weight' comment. That may be so stupid and trivial....but I dread hearing those words come out of their mouths. I know I should brush it off....who cares if I gained a couple pounds? But that's just so much easier said then done. It's taking over my mind... I try so hard not to think of it as me gaining weight....who cares what others think right? But I just can't get over it. And I don't even think I'm that big....yeah, I'm not the same size that I used to be...but for 26...I think I'm pretty normal. Whatevs.

Moving on.....
Speaking of moving...
I cannot wait until we get our final orders, and the US Air Force tells us where we'll be going. I know we have potential orders to be in El Paso, TX....but I'm praying and hoping really hard, that that will get changed .... hopefully to Ft. Bragg, NC. That would make life so much easier....here's to hoping......

Playing Hookie...

So here I am....Monday afternoon....almost 4:30. Normally I'd just be getting out of work. Instead I've been laying on this couch and feeling sorry for myself. With Oprah on my TV I sit here waiting for it to be dark so I can go back to bed. That is horrible. I know I'm being stupid....I know I shouldve dragged my sorry ass out of bed and gone to work but this morning....I just couldn't do it. It can't be normal that I'm sitting here thinking..."Okay at 6:00...I'm going to take a phernegan and knock myself out until tomorrow morning and maybe go to work early to make up for today".
I hate this feeling....this "feeling" I don't even knoe what I'm feeling. What is wrong with me.

Alone.

Sometimes....I forget that we're married. That may sound horrible...but lately I feel like I'm back in the life I used to live...in MA...living by myself in my little studio. Technically yes...I am living by myself....but I'm married. I know I'm not the only married woman going through this. But again, goes back to the being lonely thing again. And maybe it has to do w/ the fact that I never got my big perfect wedding with everyone that I love.
I know that one day it will happen, and that one day ...or in 2 months actually I'll have my husband back, and we'll live under one roof again. But right now...I can't help but feel so alone.
Sometimes I can't help but feel under appreciated. I just wanted to be appreciated and loved....

Reality Check

This past weekend, I drove 7.5 hours down to FL to visit my husband.
At first I thought 7.5 hours?! How in the world am I going to do that? But the drive was not bad at all....and if I could, I would do it every weekend. Okay, maybe every other weekend.
But the trip overall, was just what I needed.
I can't believe it's been 2 months already....2 more to go? My life is an endless countdown.
Driving onto base...I felt some sort of relief? Maybe that's not quite the word I was looking for...but seeing him standing by the barrack waiting for me, I felt like I had my old Cody back.
He showed me around, and it felt so nice to hear enthusiam back in his voice, and a sense of pride that he lacked when he was working for the PD.
It felt so good to be back in his arms....to hold hands as we walked, and just to be able to talk to him face to face, w/o having to scream in my blackberry for him to be able to hear me.
The next day, we laid on the beach, talking for hours about our future. We'll go to a base in the U.S. for a few years, then maybe Korea for a year, and then have a baby, and move closer to home, and hopefully get a base in NY. Our plans always change...but to have something to look forward to is always exciting. That night, we went to see "Date Night". A comedy that I never thought would make me think so much about our own married life. Steve Corell and Tina Fey play a married couple who's 'date nights' consist of the same dinner once a week, and how they're a boring couple from NJ. The movie had me laughing out loud (of course with those 2, its impossible not to) but had me thinking so much on the ride back home to TN.
As much as I absolutely hate being alone all the time...(I have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary) I like the fact that our life is a crazy hot mess. We'll never get bored of each other....missing each other has made it so much better when we do see each other. Maybe when we do live on base, we'll have boring dinner talks, but i'm sure that'll rudely be interrupted by a deployment sometime. The military life was never meant to be easy, but I'd like to think that it'll make our lives that much more interesting, with more spark and excitement. Who knows how long this 'reality check' will last....by tomorrow, I could be bawling my eyes again about how much this sucks. But for now...I'll just be excited for my next trip to visit him in 2 weeks :)

Can't Buy Love.

So lately I've been thinking about being a really successful career woman but being alone...or being with the love of my life, and having a family, on a tight budget. I have always wanted to be that great successful woman, that worked all the time. I don't know why, but the image of people bringing home work, to my eyes; meant that they were important, and that they have made it. But in reality, I want nothing more then to be with my love, and start a family. Sure everyone wants to make more money, but when it all comes down to it, I want nothing but to feel loved, love my family, and for all to be healthy. Again referring back to the girl in high school that is struggling with cancer, I can't help but feel so lucky to be healthy and young. Life is not fair, in the way that she is just as young as I am, and is suffering with a life threatening illness....but she makes me think about how important health is, and how much I take it for granted.

Speaking of health...my mom is going in for surgery on Thursday. Just a little procedure, but it breaks my heart knowing that I won't be there to help her and knowing that my dad and my brother...well they won't be as helpful. Trying to get all of her paperwork in line for short term disability in case she does need it, is a headache in itself, let alone trying to get it all done from a different state. It's so annoying, and I wish I could be there in person to get it all done. Ugh.

I know life isn't fair....but should it be this unfair?

Life is not fair. I get that, okay. I try not to think of these thoughts...I try not to think like this....but today, I cannot help it. I can't help but think that this is unfair. I can't help but think that my life is pathetic. Is it fair that I'm in the middle of TN by myself, away from my family, and now to top it off...by myself? Literally? I want to be strong, I don't want Cody thinking that I'm getting weak....and I try to hide it. But tonight...I just wanted to hear that he misses me too, that he wants to be here with me. And I know that....I know that he misses me, but would it kill him to say it out loud? I call thinking that maybe if I talked to him, it would make things better....he was always good at cheering me up. And I realize that we're not in our living room by ourselves...but he laughed at me. Asking me why I was crying. Did he have to laugh?
I know I"m not a needy girl, but I'm still a girl. I need to hear that he misses me, I need to hear that he wants to be with me. Sometimes I wonder why he got married. Am I the stupid one?
He got to move down here, like he wanted to. He got to go back to the Air Force, like he wanted to. If I wanted to move back to CT? Would he do that for me?

I just feel alone. The older I get, the closer I'm getting with my mom...and I miss her. I want to be able to go over whenver I want, I want to be able to see my parents. Is it fair that I'm sitting here by myself, and to top if off I"m away from my family?!

What is this life that I'm living....what is my purpose....

Get Used To It Already.

I think it's starting to hit me....that I've been alone for almost a month now. I mean, I have tried to stay busy. And my weekends have been filled with activities....it's just not the same. It's sad to say, but I should be used to this. We've spent most of our relationship when we were dating in two different states, if not country. And he was gone for the first 6 months of when we first moved to TN. So I should be used to it right? Who would've thought that I would get married, and have to spend all this time by myself.
Well....it's a little bit...daunting? I guess I'm not really having issues with the alone part...as much as the sleeping part. There are days, when I'm so lonely that I don't move from the couch...but I think I've pretty much got that under control....well for now. But sleep...is another issue.
Again, something I should be used to. Seeing as he worked midnight shifts....but I can't seem to get used to it. I lay on the couch until I am absolutely tired, and ready to just fall asleep....
Otherwise, I will lay in bed, and be terrified of every little noise coming through the thin walls and doors. Get used to it Jin....just get used it already.

The other day, Cody thanked me for being his wife. It might've been something small to him, but it meant so much to hear that. Thank you. Two words, with a whole lot of meaning.
It makes me think...am I crazy for going through with this? Did I really have a choice?
Ah, the questions in my head.

Miss him.

I had such a vivid dream. A dream that Cody left me, and I chased after him, stopped the car, and screamed 'WTF' at him. I have never sworn at him before...
okay, except that one time while we were playing Scrabble. (And yes I did learn my lesson after being forbidden to play for like 6 months).
I don't usually remember dreams...but I can't get this one out of my mind.

Senioritis.

Being 26 y/o.... I wonder and think about what my purpose in life is supposed to be. Okay, maybe I won't go that deep...I just wonder where I'll end up career wise. I say that HR is what I want to stick to, but do I? I feel like at this time in my life, I should know, and I should be on the right path. But where I am right now...feels like I'm stuck on a dead end street. I want more then anything, to be that person that says 'I LOVE MY JOB!' with a really perky smile on my face....I fear that I'll never have that. I feel that I can do so much more, I just don't know what. HR can be very rewarding, and their are so many opportunities...I just don't know if its right for me. So go back to school? I don't know.
Senioritis.
It's getting harder and harder to concentrate,and do my very best knowing that I'll be leaving in a few months. I love that I get more and more projects...it makes me believe that my boss has a lot of trust in me...but I wonder if its starting to show that I'm slacking, and I'm sitting at my desk emailing my friends. I love a day that flies by, so busy that you don't even have time to go to microwave to heat up your lunch....
I can't remember the last time I had one of those days....
Instead I'm constantly staring at the clock...from the minute I put my toosh on the chair.

On another note....I wonder what my husband thinks of me and my career. Sometimes I really do think that he wants me to just get a job, just to get one. But I want to be someone that's career oriented. I want to have my own life, even through this crazy thing called a military life. Through all of the moving we may end up doing, I still want to establish myself, and become a 'career woman'. I don't want to be a stay at home mom, I don't ever want to be the wife that asks her husband for money to go shopping. Is that weird?

I want to be busy...I'm trying so hard to keep up with my routine of coming home, working out, making dinner, watching my nightly shows, and going to bed around 10:30 after Chelsea Lately...but today, that routine did not happen.
I laid down to take a 'wee nap'...which turned out to be almost 2 hours long, and woke up promptly before Grey's Anatomy came on.
After my nap, I was very....lonely. I think when I'm not busy....I get emotional....and start to get lonely. I need to keep busy....
Then I get a call from my dear husband...only to frustrate me even more.
I understand that he's busy, and I'm glad that he is....but sometimes I think he thinks that he is the only one that's busy, and the only one that's frustrated. Everyone else's busy day, or everyone else's frustrated day, doesn't match up. He asks how my day was, and I say 'it was quite the frustrating day'....he responds with how frustrating his day was because he got in trouble for letting his guys have their cell phones? I waited to see if he asked why my day was frustrating....I got nothing. I know that he's always kind of been like this...but today it hit me hard.
When I get annoyed or frustrated, I shut off. So after that, I was done talking. We awkwardly got off the phone, and I became a crying mess. What is wrong with me?!
Maybe I was upset because he didn't ask why I was frustrated? Or maybe I was more upset that I wasn't busy enough today? Or maybe I was just yet again...lonely.

Yesterday I was so good....with positive thoughts like 'being apart only makes us stronger'...
I even gave my best friend advice on how I think this greatly makes us relationship better, bcause when we are together, it's nothing be fabulous.
But today....I'm total opposite? Sometimes, I really hate being a girl.

I've always been the 'keep your thoughts to yourself' kind of girl...hence why I've started this blog to kind of let it out. But with Cody, I promised that I would work on telling him if something was wrong. So I texted him knowing full well that he was busy... with 'I know your busy, but don't act like you are the only one, or the only one with a frustrating day. I know my life is not at all interesting, but it makes me feel like shit'....
I'm glad I got it out, but also made me feel guilty all at the same time. My mom always told me not to stress him out while he's away, because he needs my support, not for me to add on to the stress...so...should I have just let that go? I don't know. I got a response of 'sorry hun, i love you'.
I guess really that's all I wanted to hear, so.....why am I still crying?

I hope and I pray, that one day....I'll be able to find the dream job that I pop out of bed for every morning. One day....

Am I a Blogger?

For the majority of my day....I've spent reading this girls blog who has cancer. She wouldn't know who I was if I hit her with my car...but after reading about her all day, I feel like she could be my best friend. She is maybe a year older then me, she is battling lymphoma cancer....and she is my inspiration.
I don't know how someone with such a traumatic event going on in her life, could be so cheery, inspiring, and pure?
I barely know her....ok I don't know her at all...I've probably passed her in the hallways of good ol' THS back in the day, but we have never spoken a word to each other. But she has made me think about a lot of things in my life. It made me appreciate....

I haven't 'blogged' in awhile...I don't think I'm true 'blogger'....nor do I know what a true 'blogger' entails. Ok, enough with the quotes. I write to get some of the 24/7 thinking going on in my head, out on paper, or in this case my shiny pink dell laptop ;) No one reads this...and sometimes I wonder if I should share this with those that are close to me, as to help them understand why I'm such a beast some days. Haha.

So Cody has left to go to training for the Air Force. It's been awhile since my last complaint on life, and since then, he's sworn in, yet again to the United States Military, this time the Air Force. It's been almost 3 weeks since he's left for TX....and I think our departure this time around has gotten a little bit easier for me. Yes being apart sucks....but I feel like this will be an easier phase then what we've been through, and hopefully it will get easier from now on. Maybe the fact that he's not in a foreign country, with things blowing up around him plays a major factor in that....but still I'm hoping for the time to pass quickly so that we may begin yet another chapter in our life.
I never realized how much I hate my phone...yes I'm addicted to my pink blackberry, but actually talking on it? Who does that these days? Um yeah, us. I have to admit, the first couple days were like being back in 5th grade when we would awkwardly talk on the phone after school. But now we just ramble on about our day as if we were right next to each other, and I've realized that my speakerphone is more of a friend of mine, then actually holding it like an actual phone.
I do really appreciate my dear friend April...who has kept me busy and allowed me to tag along with her to her busy social life events. I don't know what I would have done if I had never met her. Thank God for that one Titans game, that I almost didn't go to, because well I lack the love for football. But I'm thankful I went, and sooo thankful to have her in my life.

I have mixed feelings about a lot. I don't think I'll truly have a 'real' feeling towards the military until we move and are on base. Or maybe it won't even hit until he deploys again...who knows. But right now, the objective of the game is to get through to July, for him to graduate, and for us to pack up and leave Music City.

Some days... all I want is to be back in CT, near my family and some of my friends. But other days, I realize that I"m learning a lot by being away from home. Even things I never even thought of, such as learning to cook all sorts of Korean dishes. I realize that not only am I learning, but my parents are learning how to deal without me as well. It does kill me sometimes to hear them struggle about simple things such as making dr.'s appt, or trying to figure out who to go to the dr.'s with them to translate. I wish I could teleport back and forth from here to CT....but I can't be there to live their life right? I do miss my mommy, and I don't even want to think about what a hot mess I'll be when we have a little bun in the oven....but I"m going to try to believe that this is all happening for a reason, and that I'm learning from it. I mean, my mom left my grandma in Korea...that can't be easy. I do miss her though. :(

Ok, now that I've talked to Cody for a good 30 minutes, I have lost all motivation to keep going with this blog...perhaps this is why I can't keep up with this, or why I'm not sharing it with anyone.

Perhaps tomorrow, I shall continue...
until then.....